I don’t know how I do this. I mean really it’s something else, either I have deity-level resolve or I’m just too stupid to give up and die. That’s how half of me feels most of the time, like I’m both awesome and shit at the same time. I’m not sure how I made it this far, it’s scary really, I remember high school in all its horrible vivid detail, all the abuse the stupidity the fucking bullshit popularity contest that it was.
The worst part of it was I put nothing into my education, I mean I’m thick as shit no doubt about it but man, did I lose out on that one. Let’s back it up, I spent six years practicing English, mathematics, art and so on and I had precisely fuck all to show for it at the end. Literally I failed everything, which might not have been so damming if I had anything to fall back on but I didn’t. The last day I walked out and realized I was doomed to this husk of a life I now lead.
But what’s even worse than that is just how those six years screwed me up. Having just 2 friends is bad enough; especially if they’re the only people you hang around with on a daily basis, but by the end of it one had dropped out and the other had moved onto other things. It was around then that I developed an actual taste in music, beyond soundtracks and remixes. I got into early metal and punk, flirted with some hip-hop here and there, if only so I could reply with something normal if someone asked me what I was listening to.
Point is I still find it incredibly difficult to approach most social situations, I still find myself unable to say things that I know I should say because of anxiety. I still mutter replies to people I don’t know, I still carry myself awkwardly when I’m in a public place. Dear god I don’t know how I turned it all around so hard.
Every aspect of my life is a disgusting paradoxical duology, an eternal struggle between two forces constantly battling and cancelling each other out. I love early prototypes and mass production models. I’m lazy and lethargic but still chastise myself in the hope that I can succeed, I want to succeed. If only to prove to my past self that giving up wasn’t the answer. I don’t know what I want anymore; I’m just waiting for something to show up and end it all I guess. I won’t need to care once I’m dead. Help me.