All about me. (Narcisistic as fuck)

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North berwick, Scotland, United Kingdom
I fucking love sleep. I don't get much of it though.

Saturday, 26 August 2017

Summer 2017

It's nice to start one of these off by saying that right now I don't want to kill myself. I've not felt the overwhelming sense of depression or suicide for a good few weeks now; and I gotta say it's pretty terrific.

2017 so far has been a weird year. So many new things coming out alongside old things coming back for the first time. I've spent most of this year focusing on uni work. I somehow managed to scrape through 3rd year and only fail one module. Earlier this summer I took a resit for that module and managed to pass. So unless I totally fuck up enrollment then I seem to be on the fast track to 4th year and an actual degree.

I feel like an actual functional human being. Maybe it's just how things have gone, maybe it's drugs and alcohol or maybe I'm just losing my mind but overall I'm actually feeling life right now. There's enough here to make me happy. Bring on Halloween bitches!

Friday, 19 February 2016

The Return 19/02/16

Man we killed 2015 didn't we?

I'm writing this at 10 to 2 in the morning before I go to bed so bare with me please.

2015 was pretty standard, it was almost a total redo of 2014 really, only with more drinking and slightly less self-loathing. Towards the end of the year things got really good, I went back to work and earned enough to keep myself happy, I started to wrap my head around college work. I was really feeling good; complete, almost as good as I'd felt as a kid. It was like I didn't have a care in the world.

Then reality struck, after going through one of my bi-monthly low-points (self-loathing at an all time high. this is the time where I make horrible jokes/scathing remarks about myself) I bounced back and finally got into my first real relationship. What can I say? I was stunned, I'd been so used to being my usual lonely, hateful self that I had no clue what to do. It was like most things in my life, a bitter irony one could only appreciate from the front row or through a screen.

I'd been looking for a relationship, and pining after what I thought would fill the gaping void within my person for so long, that I hadn't realized I knew nothing about what to do in one. We trundled on for a month or so, it was rocky at first but aren't all relationships at first? I'm not sure but as time went on I realized it just wasn't for me. That level of commitment, communication and intimacy was just something my brain couldn't cope with.

My college work began to slip. I had been trying to do more work at home to justify my procrastination in class but my new commitments on top of the old proved just to much for me to handle.Something had to give; college was out of the question. I was in my final year and I have no intention of throwing that away to make someone else happy. I considered quitting my job to give myself more free-time, more time to "study" I said to myself, but I couldn't do it.

 I don't see myself as a particularly intuitive person, I'll often describe myself as a grunt, someone made to follow instructions instead of write them. I went through the motions to maintain  that relationship but I'll be damned if I knew how to feel; and that's what I didn't like. I didn't want my facade of confidence too become to elaborate, for someone to get attached to it and to be hurt when it crumbled to dust and was blown away. It just wouldn't be fair for someone to fall in love with a mask I'd made.

It didn't feel good but I knew it was the right choice for all involved. I only hope I can bounce back from this one. I'd hate for this to be the beginning of the end, just before the third act is about to start.

The long and short of it is I'm a emotionally-distant, stoic depressed weirdo and that's exactly how I want to stay. My time is short, I don't want to waste it pretending to be something I'm not.

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

My life in 444 words.

I don’t know how I do this. I mean really it’s something else, either I have deity-level resolve or I’m just too stupid to give up and die. That’s how half of me feels most of the time, like I’m both awesome and shit at the same time. I’m not sure how I made it this far, it’s scary really, I remember high school in all its horrible vivid detail, all the abuse the stupidity the fucking bullshit popularity contest that it was.

The worst part of it was I put nothing into my education, I mean I’m thick as shit no doubt about it but man, did I lose out on that one. Let’s back it up, I spent six years practicing English, mathematics, art and so on and I had precisely fuck all to show for it at the end. Literally I failed everything, which might not have been so damming if I had anything to fall back on but I didn’t. The last day I walked out and realized I was doomed to this husk of a life I now lead.

But what’s even worse than that is just how those six years screwed me up. Having just 2 friends is bad enough; especially if they’re the only people you hang around with on a daily basis, but by the end of it one had dropped out and the other had moved onto other things. It was around then that I developed an actual taste in music, beyond soundtracks and remixes. I got into early metal and punk, flirted with some hip-hop here and there, if only so I could reply with something normal if someone asked me what I was listening to.

Point is I still find it incredibly difficult to approach most social situations, I still find myself unable to say things that I know I should say because of anxiety. I still mutter replies to people I don’t know, I still carry myself awkwardly when I’m in a public place. Dear god I don’t know how I turned it all around so hard.

Every aspect of my life is a disgusting paradoxical duology, an eternal struggle between two forces constantly battling and cancelling each other out. I love early prototypes and mass production models. I’m lazy and lethargic but still chastise myself in the hope that I can succeed, I want to succeed. If only to prove to my past self that giving up wasn’t the answer. I don’t know what I want anymore; I’m just waiting for something to show up and end it all I guess. I won’t need to care once I’m dead. Help me.

Wednesday, 12 March 2014

General Life Update 12/03/14

Howdy y'all, what's shaking? Me? I've not been too busy I guess, just chillin' killin' ya know? Christ that last sentence is a grammatical minefield, but I'm no stickler for grammar (he said lying through his teeth) so lets get on with the show. What have I been up to? Well obvious-- BULLET POINTS!!!

  • Pulling myself out of the rut that was the last few months of 2013 and the first 1 and a half of 2014
  • Becoming fucking enamored with the Dead Space franchise, seriously I'm all over that series' balls. Played almost all the games, read almost all the comics and books, re-watched both the animated movies. I don't know why but something clicked and now I'm back in my Resident Evil phase levels of love. Honestly I've not become this enthralled by a series since I was 13-15.
  • Building more Gundam kits and getting a little better at it. I've been tossing around the idea of doing a custom paint-job on one or two later in the summer. (And you can bet your ass I'm following the guide on this motherfucker, I ain't about to become an example of terribleness any time soon).
  • Getting somewhat fucked over by college in terms of what I can do as far as my courses for the new semester are concerned (I don't want to be a network engineer, but I also don't want to trek an extra hour to a campus on the other side of the city that's already 2 hours away for me).
  • Reading pretty much ALL of the Dowman Sayman stuff on exhentai. That guy makes some of the most interesting and compelling stories that just so happen to feature robots/lesbians/fucking/piss ever. I'd seriously recommend checking his shit out or at the least look up Oddman 11 it's relatively SFW.
  • Keeping up with a few webcomics, "Blaster Nation" and "It Hurts!".
  • Having a lot of ideas for stopmotion animations and not really doing them since I have no money, software or time.
  • Spending my money on "adult" things.
  • Writing this and convincing myself that blogging about yourself isn't inherently selfish or pompous.
  • Realising how retarded that previous point was, retracting it and preceding to not give a fuck.
  • Man fuck tumblr and social justice in general!
Here's a picture of Lammy I drew.

Sunday, 5 January 2014

I spent the later half of writing this craving a cigarette for some reason.

You know me, I know you, no fuckin' point in talking about it. What's up? Oh me? Why I'm doing terribly thank you. Lemme prefix this by saying I'm glad to be alive but I don't want to be. Then again I don't want to be dead either (I think I said something to this effect in the last blog post but whatever). So what have I been up to? Well you know the drill; time for bullet points.

  • I'm back at college and about to begin the second half of the semester
  • I moved out of my parents place to a town on the outskirts of Edinburgh (Feel free to drop by sometime)
  • I kind of got back into art and drawing via pirating photoshop and using the shitty £30 drawing pad I bought last year
  • I started learning guitar. Poorly. Everybody says learning guitar is slow but that's gotta be triple true for me (damn thing keeps fucking up and I can't tune it for shit so it's beyond slow at this point) but I'm enjoying it so that's something I guess
  • I started taking better care of myself and using shitty dating websites to try and not feel like such a fucking lonely looser (given my luck, looks and attitude, that unsurprisingly has gone nowhere)
  • I learned my threshold when it comes to drinking (new year was fucking brutal, and brought with it an appropriately brutal hangover)
Wow all those bullet points begin with "I". I'm fucking horrible. So let's go into further detail about the moving out thing. It was towards one of the best summers I've had in a long time (discounting the insane work that I had to do and getting laid off my old job), I had fun with friends, got drunk and shit, went out in the gorgeous weather cycling (godfuck I love cycling) it was great, I loved it. Then in about late July, early August maybe, I was at my friend Ginty's place chillin' with him and another pal of mine Ian, playing dreamcast I think and the fact that somebody that we knew was looking for a roomate came up.

Now despite being unemployed, I had money, enough money in fact to afford both the rent and deposit of this place. So I called this guy and said I was interested and before I knew it, I was beginning to tell people that I was moving away and I had began to pack things away. Then by the end of October I was here in Musselburgh and I thought I was the king of the fuckin' world, I'd live here, I'd be self-sufficient I'd get a new job and I'd feel great. Exactly none of that happened.

I'm in a smaller, more cramped room, with half of my shit here and half of it at my parents place. All of my friends are now an hour bus journey away, I have no new job prospects (I'm a KP in a steakhouse back home, but I've not worked there in over a month because business is slow) and I'm stuck living with someone I hate. Now this is important, I don't hate my roomate: I hate living with him. This kind of shit happens when you move in with someone that you don't stick you're dick in, and even if I was gay, I wouldn't stick a blade in him let alone my dong.

So yeah basically I've fucked myself into a nice little corner for six months. I'm essentially paying £300 a month, plus food and electric and gas payments, to do the exact same shit I did at home but not for free. I've only myself to blame but dammit I'm fucking pissed at myself got getting me into this mess. So suffice it say I'm not going to be renewing my lease in April, no way in hell. I'm turning twenty and moving back to a comfortable livable life in the country before a hopefully bitchin' summer with all my friends. Conveniently I should be done with the college year around then, which is great.

As for the future I'm looking to shed a year's worth of college off my life and go to university early (well early for me). The thing is I felt really awkward doing 4 years of a college course then going to uni when I was 21 since a lot of people in my year at high school wen to uni when they finished 6th year (so 17 or 18-ish) and I kinda got the impression all uni students were about that age. Apparently that's not the case, most are 20-25 (or beyond in some cases) so that's a relief I suppose. I said something like this to my mother and she responded with "Yeah it's good that by then you'll have lived away from home before, some people who go to uni cant' handle it and do stupid shit like kill themselves!" (I'd expect no less from my mother)

So the rest of this is basically going to be me moaning and describing why I feel like shit a lot of the time. So feel free to stop reading here (and also feel free not to give me shit if you don't like what I have to say in the following paragraphs). Now I personally don't feel like I'm depressed, nor have I suffered from depression in the past. No I get sure, I feel like shit a lot, but it comes and goes, for maybe a day or too but I don't wake up feeling like my life's not worth living very often. When I'm drunk it's a different story but that's something else entirely. No I think the thing that keeps me from falling into full on shut-in-despair-mode is because I know people that have it a lot worse than me (not motherfuckers in Africa that I don't know, won't know, can't know and don't fucking care about!) but people that I've talked to, drank with, played games and stuff with, some of them have it a lot worse than I do I'll admit straight-up.

That being said I still hate my predicament because at the end of the day it's my life, in my brain, in my head. So I'm gonna put myself and my interests and my problems first, that's just how it is. So I've figured it out, I know what I am now. I'm not an introvert, or a shut-in or anything like that. I'm a self-hating extrovert who really fucking wants someone to make real effort when I look like I'm having a hard time and not to leave me alone when I say that "I'm fine" when I'm clearly fucking not and if you know me, you know I'm to proud to admit when I'm needing help with something like that. But it's not your fault, even thought it totally is (I'm not apologizing for that statement) but whatever it's four in the fucking morning so I'm going to bed.